Friends of Mine

A dear friend of mine recently asked me about how I am doing, emotionally, through all of this of my health problems. And I told her (I told Donna) about that I am sort of trying to not think about it of that it's possibly my health could get worse, but to, instead, focus on and work on as much as possible to keep myself busy so to not think about it. I also work to keep busy to take in as much of life and enjoyment as I can, as well as to try to get as much done as possible as I can. That friend of mine, as wlel as those who are currently reading my blogs have all been there for me through this, and I cannot ever repay them, enough, for this. I sincerely am appreciative. These friends who critique my writing for me and encourage me, they are great writers. I have bought their books and have read most of those books I've bought, by now. So, I do truly know that they are great writers. Although, I'd never doubted it, before having bought their books (I'm currently smiling, happily, about that). These friends, most I'd met through multiple groups on Writer's Digest, where I host a poetry group called 'Poetry Corner." One friend (Norma Beishir), I'd met through another dear friend of mine named Collin Beishir. Collin had met me online, first, then in person, later. And then, I'd met his mother, Norma Beishir. Both Collin and Norma write, And they like similar and some same shows that I do. And they, as well as the rest of my friends whom also know each other, have almost the same type of humour. It's awesome. Just when I am down about something, or am stressed about something (like if CJ calls), Norma and Collin say something that is funny in support of me about that situation of dealing with CJ (long story about CJ that I prefer to not go into within this blog piece). Anyway, with my friends constant humour about a heck of a lot of stuff, including stuff we talk about as a separate writers' group (as a group called WMD), we get to joking around and being humourous, which really can help brighten a day. I thoroughly enjoy being a part of this group and of their lives, and am glad that they are a part of mine. Oh, and for any of you who might be reading this post, if you are also a writer, and if you want to join WMD, please click on the links, below, or copy and paste the links: 1.) Goodreads http://www.goodreads.com/group/show/51020.Writers_Of_Mass_Distraction 2.) Bookblogs http://bookblogs.ning.com/group/writersofmassdistraction 3.) Facebook: (Log into your Facebook account, and then type in the name of the group ('Writers of Mass Distraction') to find it on Facebook). 4.) LinkedIn Log into your LinkedIn account and type in a search of the name of WMD group on there to find it. *Thank you for reading my blog.

Good News

Well, I had the first of two required motility tests done at TGH hospital, today. They gave me results, immediately, which they said was good. :) That motility test tested my throats functionality. And the results from this test done today, showed that my throat does work well enough. I literally thank god for that. Yes, the reflux problem is there, still, as well as the gastroparesis. But, the swallowing part is normal enough, the results of today's test, showed. And I am very happy about that cus it could mean a step closer to getting the gastric pacemaker surgically implanted. :) I have the second motility test that was set for tomorrow being in the process of rescheduling. IO am waiting for the person who reschedules these types of tests to contact me, back, about the new date and time of this second test. For this test, they will give me anesthesia, do an upper GI to put in the pill that has the camera within it, and then that camera will go throughout my whole digestive system, and will be in my system for 48 hours, I was told. This type of motility test should show how my stomache and intestines are functioning. they already know that I have gastroparesis of my stomache due to two different lengths of duration of gastric emptying tests that tests for gastroparesis having shown results of gastroparesis (of "moderate delayed emptying," the results of the gastroparesis tests, read), and intestinal problems of same symptoms. If this is good enough of function, though, even if not the best of functioning of my intestines and stomache, they will then go forward with the gastric pacemaker surgical implantation. I apologise for such a long blog. (I just didn't know how to say about all of this withou having done so. I truly didn't mean to bore anyone with this info and length of post about this info. Hugs, all.

Update

Well, it has been a while since my last post, I know. But, I seriously forgot to write this update. It turns out that everything might be o.k., soon. I will have the tumours removed, soon. I also was told about two in my stomache, recently. I have been tested for and have been diagnosed as having gastroparesis, a condition that is of paralysis of the stomache, and digestive system. Gastric pacemaker implantation surgery is the best option for me. A Gastric Bypass will be done. And then, later on, the doctors will handle the tumours. So, I am happy about that. One minor problem with that is that they will have to get my insurance's authorisation code for the surgical consult on this surgery for the implantation of the gastric pacemaker. And I am not sure that my insurance will cover it (this surgery consult about the surgery) since they won't cover the surgery itself. But, I await the call for the set up of the date and time of the consult on the surgery and what all it will entail since they now have my GI doctor's referral for this. I remain optimistic, though, cus my GI doctor I've gone back to who is NOT of the Tampa General Specialty Clinic, he's really trying to help me, as is his friend who is a surgeon who will be helping doing the surgery for me for free since my insurance won't cover it. And if he can get a way to get this done, I believe that he will. He seems caring and considerate of his patients, truly. I also remain optimistic because I have to remain this way, or I otherwise could give up. And I don't want to give up. Also, I remain optimistic or at least positive, in life, sometimes, cus of my friends. I think that if it weren't for them, I wouldn't be continuing on as strongly as I am now doing, emotionally. Thanks, everyone. :) I do appreciate the support. :) Hugs, all.

Diary Septembre 17th, 2010

My tiredness only becomming more apparent, now. I fear the worst. I even dreamt of that I die. People would think we crasy, possibly, if they knew I saw this happening of my death and of why I die. I'd told only a few people in the past when I'd first had those 'visions' or whatever they are called, when I was in my 20's. Kept having them. Then, I was diagnosed with tumours. Then my digestive system started failing. And now, as my doctors are rushing to try to figure out how best to help me cus my health and energy levels are failing, they don't seem to be beating the clock on this. Now, my neurologist thinks that the main cause of my seisures could very well be from my body slowly starving to death. I think she might be right. And now, I rarely have days where I can go even 4 hours without feeling tired or falling asleep standing, walking, or sitting. Trying to dance and move about to energise my body does not seem to be helping. I am lucky to get time frame where I can do exercise and have it work, well, for me. But then I am back to fighting it. "IT." As though it is some big bad thing of which to be scared. But, no. "IT" is the tiredness-the never ending tiredness-that I now feel that is rare of going away. Rare if I am not in physical pain, and even more rare, still, of feeling awake at all. HOW does one function like this? It is very difficult to do so. And this has affected me so much that I have added about it into a story of a fictional book that I am currently writing. But the situation that I am currently going through is very real. And it is affecting my life in very real ways. And it is very difficult to function like this. My doctor has even told me that it is okay to have home health care come in to help me where I cannot do so. My age? 34. And my body has been producing tumours since 2001 yr (a doctor first saw one in yr 2001. I still have tht medical record on me of that diagnosis. I was married, then, and living in Florida, not in Missouri, then, when that doctor first diagnosed that first tumour). I feel like this is a game-a game of life-where time is running out, and the doctors and myself are trying to keep my health sustained, but my health is declining, making time run out. And it angers me. I have my doctor appointment on the 30th of this month with my primary care doctor, here, in Missouri state. I am just struggling to try making it day to day, now. I hope to make it till then. Tomorrow, if my health holds out, I will go to visit Norma and Collin Beishir (my friends), and go, Saturday, with Norma to a writers' meeting that is in person at our church. If my health holds. At the time of writing this, I have only been awake for about 6 hours (and that has only been because I have been fighting the tiredness). I had woken, today, at 9 something, this morning, then had napped at around about 5p.m. or so, into night time, about 9 something, tonight. I never felt fully awake from that nap, either. And I then become severely tired around midnight, and am now extremely tired. I don't want to put here, the thoughts that are currently running through my head that I have in my mind cus I don't want anyone to worry. Just want to say that I have those thoughts there cus I am so tired of being sick and tired and really do not fell well of health, at all, as it further declines. Thoughts of this type of wanting to do whatever it takes to make pain of any ytype go away are normal. I understand that. And I am not saying that I will go through with it. I am not saying that. I am, however, thinking it. And my point to mentioning it is not to reach out for help cus there is NO chance of my doing something stupid like suicide. Just pointing it out on here to point out that my health really has gotten to a severe point that I cannot function, dailly, anymore, much, due to how it is declining, and that when it is this bad of struggle that it is a daily struggle to do anything-sometimes to even breathe, move, or even to stay awake cus of my health problems-I think it understandable that I just would want it all to go away cus it is too much. My doctor as well as one of my dear friends has suggested counseling to help me through the stress of my health problems as well as for my situational depression that is due to my health problems, I said o.k., and am waiting (still waiting) for the therapist to contact me back about counseling for this. That is currently where I am with everything, today, Friday, Septembre 17th, 2010. Will check back in, again, in a few days, if I can.

August 31rst, 2010

If people read this blog, o.k. If they do not, o.k., too. I just created this particular blog for therapeutic reasons.

August 31rst, 2010

I am really weak, today, even more so after I ate, which doesn't make sense to me if my doctor says I am not diabetic. I also am in severe internal pain of my stomache and under my rib cage area, where they found a mass and think it is a tumour. Right now, I cannot risk surgery cus I have another surgical procedure being scheduled that takes precedence over even tht one. I hate that I am in pain, and I hate that I cannot even do anything of activity cus it makes it worse. tried dancing to music, today, that I'd had turned way up so to hear it, well enough. that dancing caused me severe pain, and I sit here, now, in pain, even as I type this, just wanting God to take it all away of pain I am going through. I was offered pain meds, but I refused it cus it will tear up my stomache. I apparently don't have the protective lining in the inside of my stomache, anymore, my gastrointerologist told me. And he had tried giving me meds tht would protect my lining. So, now, anything I eat, even bland food hurts. Drinking water hurts. Previcaid didn't work. Prilosec didnt work that my gastropinterologist also prescribed along with the "carafat" (whatever tht is), and tht didn't help, either. I just am sick of being in pain. So tired of that, of my digestive system also not working right, either. And now my doctor says that I have blood in my urine she detected during a urinalysis she did when I went to get lanbs done. She said tht cus she knows tht I have tumours and history of tumour, she wants to order ultrasound on my kidneys cus she thinks I have tumour. I told her that I also saw blood in my urine at home when going to the restroom. I keep clean, so tht isnt issue of infection. And she said that it didn't show bacteria in my urine, yet it showed blood. It didn't make sense. She thinks that with the keytones and proteins that can show when kidneys are infected and also when kidney trouble exists, she thinks I have at least one tumour, there, in my kidneys in one of them, and she is going to check it out. And she is going to check it out via ordering an ultrasound for me to get done. She also detected lumps in my right breast, and she said she thinks it could be cysts, but that she wants to be sure it's not tumours. So, she said she is ordering a mammogram. I told her tht Medicaid insurance won't allow it since I am not over 40 years of age. And she said tht she will try to get it overridden by trying to authorise it as medically necessary, since she knows I have history of cysts and tumours, and she needs to know of which the lumbs are. Anyway, I think those are just cysts, but I am glad she wants them checked out. Just want to not be in pain, you know? It doesnt help that I have to deal with Fibromyalgia. the for my doctor to tell me she thinks I have Neurofibromatosis, plus tumours that I already knew about that are NOT on my nerves, too (Neurofibromatosis is a genetic condition where tumours can and often do form on the nerves. For some, it can be cancerious, and for some, the tumours can be fatal, even if not cancerious cus of where they form. If i understand, corretly, some tumours form on the brain area that controls breathing, etc.). Basically, I just am fed with it all. Just venting. My poem, titled, "Trapped" explains to what some of the things are that I go through cus of my health:

"Trapped"


Trapped
from all that I do
I am trapped by my body
and away from you

Trapped
from going any where
And away from moving, much
confined to my chair

At points, too trapped
to even breathe
sometimes causing me
to seise

Trapped
as though in my own prison
my body confining me
in it's cell in treason

I can't move, barely eat, breathe, sleep
walk, bathe, dance without a care,
each breathe, sometimes laboured
as I sit here in my chair

Trapped
as my body shuts down
and inwardly I cry
as time runs out

I can feel it
can feel my life slipping away
and I can't do anything about it
so, to God, again, I pray

Trapped
it seems He doesn't hear my prayers
because I'm still trapped
and it's causing me great fears

Am too trapped
too weak to even care [(much)]
or to feel anger
I just want to feel your touch

Trapped
Can't get to you
need to have you close
to be held by you

Distances keep us away
If I could just have you here, now-
my best friend and my everything-
I feel I could be o.k.

Because I wouldn't be completely alone
I'd have your loving arms around me
in your sweet, caring way
holding and rocking me as I pass away


Author: April Morone (aka 'Annika Doe')

This is a poem that I'd written, this year cus of what I go through cus of my health. And while I know that the ending of my poem is a bit dramatic, I also feel that it is how I feel, and so, I wanted ti write it cus I feel this way, wishing the person I care about could be near me whenever that time does arrive of this. Sometimes, I do feel that if I am to go, that God just take me, already, so that I don't have to continue on like this. But other times, I still want to try, despite my ill health, to get things done and to do all I do (advocating, writing, drawing, painting, etc), and to live my life. I want to be able to have sex, again (and to have it not be painful of my inner organs to do so of any movement during it-to not even have pain upon a gentle grab to pull me into a hug by any person (friend, family, neighbor who wants to hug in sayig hello). My health limits a lot of what I can do. Maybe the doctors can figure out help best to help stop all this pain and health problems and stop my body from producing tumours and cysts. I am trying to hope.
April (aka 'Annika Doe')