Diary Septembre 17th, 2010

My tiredness only becomming more apparent, now. I fear the worst. I even dreamt of that I die. People would think we crasy, possibly, if they knew I saw this happening of my death and of why I die. I'd told only a few people in the past when I'd first had those 'visions' or whatever they are called, when I was in my 20's. Kept having them. Then, I was diagnosed with tumours. Then my digestive system started failing. And now, as my doctors are rushing to try to figure out how best to help me cus my health and energy levels are failing, they don't seem to be beating the clock on this. Now, my neurologist thinks that the main cause of my seisures could very well be from my body slowly starving to death. I think she might be right. And now, I rarely have days where I can go even 4 hours without feeling tired or falling asleep standing, walking, or sitting. Trying to dance and move about to energise my body does not seem to be helping. I am lucky to get time frame where I can do exercise and have it work, well, for me. But then I am back to fighting it. "IT." As though it is some big bad thing of which to be scared. But, no. "IT" is the tiredness-the never ending tiredness-that I now feel that is rare of going away. Rare if I am not in physical pain, and even more rare, still, of feeling awake at all. HOW does one function like this? It is very difficult to do so. And this has affected me so much that I have added about it into a story of a fictional book that I am currently writing. But the situation that I am currently going through is very real. And it is affecting my life in very real ways. And it is very difficult to function like this. My doctor has even told me that it is okay to have home health care come in to help me where I cannot do so. My age? 34. And my body has been producing tumours since 2001 yr (a doctor first saw one in yr 2001. I still have tht medical record on me of that diagnosis. I was married, then, and living in Florida, not in Missouri, then, when that doctor first diagnosed that first tumour). I feel like this is a game-a game of life-where time is running out, and the doctors and myself are trying to keep my health sustained, but my health is declining, making time run out. And it angers me. I have my doctor appointment on the 30th of this month with my primary care doctor, here, in Missouri state. I am just struggling to try making it day to day, now. I hope to make it till then. Tomorrow, if my health holds out, I will go to visit Norma and Collin Beishir (my friends), and go, Saturday, with Norma to a writers' meeting that is in person at our church. If my health holds. At the time of writing this, I have only been awake for about 6 hours (and that has only been because I have been fighting the tiredness). I had woken, today, at 9 something, this morning, then had napped at around about 5p.m. or so, into night time, about 9 something, tonight. I never felt fully awake from that nap, either. And I then become severely tired around midnight, and am now extremely tired. I don't want to put here, the thoughts that are currently running through my head that I have in my mind cus I don't want anyone to worry. Just want to say that I have those thoughts there cus I am so tired of being sick and tired and really do not fell well of health, at all, as it further declines. Thoughts of this type of wanting to do whatever it takes to make pain of any ytype go away are normal. I understand that. And I am not saying that I will go through with it. I am not saying that. I am, however, thinking it. And my point to mentioning it is not to reach out for help cus there is NO chance of my doing something stupid like suicide. Just pointing it out on here to point out that my health really has gotten to a severe point that I cannot function, dailly, anymore, much, due to how it is declining, and that when it is this bad of struggle that it is a daily struggle to do anything-sometimes to even breathe, move, or even to stay awake cus of my health problems-I think it understandable that I just would want it all to go away cus it is too much. My doctor as well as one of my dear friends has suggested counseling to help me through the stress of my health problems as well as for my situational depression that is due to my health problems, I said o.k., and am waiting (still waiting) for the therapist to contact me back about counseling for this. That is currently where I am with everything, today, Friday, Septembre 17th, 2010. Will check back in, again, in a few days, if I can.