August 31rst, 2010

If people read this blog, o.k. If they do not, o.k., too. I just created this particular blog for therapeutic reasons.

August 31rst, 2010

I am really weak, today, even more so after I ate, which doesn't make sense to me if my doctor says I am not diabetic. I also am in severe internal pain of my stomache and under my rib cage area, where they found a mass and think it is a tumour. Right now, I cannot risk surgery cus I have another surgical procedure being scheduled that takes precedence over even tht one. I hate that I am in pain, and I hate that I cannot even do anything of activity cus it makes it worse. tried dancing to music, today, that I'd had turned way up so to hear it, well enough. that dancing caused me severe pain, and I sit here, now, in pain, even as I type this, just wanting God to take it all away of pain I am going through. I was offered pain meds, but I refused it cus it will tear up my stomache. I apparently don't have the protective lining in the inside of my stomache, anymore, my gastrointerologist told me. And he had tried giving me meds tht would protect my lining. So, now, anything I eat, even bland food hurts. Drinking water hurts. Previcaid didn't work. Prilosec didnt work that my gastropinterologist also prescribed along with the "carafat" (whatever tht is), and tht didn't help, either. I just am sick of being in pain. So tired of that, of my digestive system also not working right, either. And now my doctor says that I have blood in my urine she detected during a urinalysis she did when I went to get lanbs done. She said tht cus she knows tht I have tumours and history of tumour, she wants to order ultrasound on my kidneys cus she thinks I have tumour. I told her that I also saw blood in my urine at home when going to the restroom. I keep clean, so tht isnt issue of infection. And she said that it didn't show bacteria in my urine, yet it showed blood. It didn't make sense. She thinks that with the keytones and proteins that can show when kidneys are infected and also when kidney trouble exists, she thinks I have at least one tumour, there, in my kidneys in one of them, and she is going to check it out. And she is going to check it out via ordering an ultrasound for me to get done. She also detected lumps in my right breast, and she said she thinks it could be cysts, but that she wants to be sure it's not tumours. So, she said she is ordering a mammogram. I told her tht Medicaid insurance won't allow it since I am not over 40 years of age. And she said tht she will try to get it overridden by trying to authorise it as medically necessary, since she knows I have history of cysts and tumours, and she needs to know of which the lumbs are. Anyway, I think those are just cysts, but I am glad she wants them checked out. Just want to not be in pain, you know? It doesnt help that I have to deal with Fibromyalgia. the for my doctor to tell me she thinks I have Neurofibromatosis, plus tumours that I already knew about that are NOT on my nerves, too (Neurofibromatosis is a genetic condition where tumours can and often do form on the nerves. For some, it can be cancerious, and for some, the tumours can be fatal, even if not cancerious cus of where they form. If i understand, corretly, some tumours form on the brain area that controls breathing, etc.). Basically, I just am fed with it all. Just venting. My poem, titled, "Trapped" explains to what some of the things are that I go through cus of my health:

"Trapped"


Trapped
from all that I do
I am trapped by my body
and away from you

Trapped
from going any where
And away from moving, much
confined to my chair

At points, too trapped
to even breathe
sometimes causing me
to seise

Trapped
as though in my own prison
my body confining me
in it's cell in treason

I can't move, barely eat, breathe, sleep
walk, bathe, dance without a care,
each breathe, sometimes laboured
as I sit here in my chair

Trapped
as my body shuts down
and inwardly I cry
as time runs out

I can feel it
can feel my life slipping away
and I can't do anything about it
so, to God, again, I pray

Trapped
it seems He doesn't hear my prayers
because I'm still trapped
and it's causing me great fears

Am too trapped
too weak to even care [(much)]
or to feel anger
I just want to feel your touch

Trapped
Can't get to you
need to have you close
to be held by you

Distances keep us away
If I could just have you here, now-
my best friend and my everything-
I feel I could be o.k.

Because I wouldn't be completely alone
I'd have your loving arms around me
in your sweet, caring way
holding and rocking me as I pass away


Author: April Morone (aka 'Annika Doe')

This is a poem that I'd written, this year cus of what I go through cus of my health. And while I know that the ending of my poem is a bit dramatic, I also feel that it is how I feel, and so, I wanted ti write it cus I feel this way, wishing the person I care about could be near me whenever that time does arrive of this. Sometimes, I do feel that if I am to go, that God just take me, already, so that I don't have to continue on like this. But other times, I still want to try, despite my ill health, to get things done and to do all I do (advocating, writing, drawing, painting, etc), and to live my life. I want to be able to have sex, again (and to have it not be painful of my inner organs to do so of any movement during it-to not even have pain upon a gentle grab to pull me into a hug by any person (friend, family, neighbor who wants to hug in sayig hello). My health limits a lot of what I can do. Maybe the doctors can figure out help best to help stop all this pain and health problems and stop my body from producing tumours and cysts. I am trying to hope.
April (aka 'Annika Doe')